The government has ruled that all criminals must now use the same explanatory and reporting forms as the various police forces around Britain.
Amid criticism that bureaucracy and health-and-safety gone mad have found yet another part of British life to strangle with inefficiency, Britain’s criminals have been trying to get to grips with the complex and time consuming procedures involved.
One dealer from East London was fairly typical of the resentful reaction when he complained: ‘It’s one thing doing a chain of custody form after you’ve taken delivery of 5 ks of Charlie. But imagine what it’s like when you’ve cut it with drain cleaner, divided it into hundreds of individual baggies and you have to complete part A of the same form for every single one of them. It’s just ridiculous but I have no choice.’
‘We tried to warn the government but they wouldn’t listen. And then they even expect you to add up the total weight and explain why it doesn’t match the amount you started with. I tried putting in something about coz I is a criminal you stupid git but they just sent all the forms back and made me do them again.’
The 10 page “use of force” form has provoked similarly scathing reactions with one Essex face complaining: ‘The other day, I knifed Basildon Gerry in the guts and you know me I wouldn’t ‘ve done it without a good reason but a simple explanation that the slimeball had ripped off my stash wasn’t good enough.’
‘They just handed me this vast form to fill in full of stupid questions. The looniest question of all was the one where they wanted to know what alternatives I had considered before embarking on the use of force. I put in something sensible about considering cutting off his todger with a rusty hacksaw but that wasn’t the answer they were looking for apparently. It puts you right off. It really does.’