The signature tune to the much-loved soap opera Coronation Street will become Britain’s post-Brexit national anthem according to an announcement from Buckingham Palace.
‘We toyed with that and the signature tune to Eastenders in an attempt to find something that typified the new national mood,’ a palace spokesman said, ‘but Corrie definitely had the edge. Eastenders opens quite promisingly, since it sounds like someone head butting an opponent but at the end of the day it was felt that the Corrie theme summons up a picture of their homeland which Brits of all classes will be able to identify with. It sounds like the whine of a cat being strangled on a wet Wednesday afternoon in November.’
Along with God Save the Queen, the national motto, ‘Dieu et Mon Droit’, will also go. The spokesman explained that although it expresses perfectly the belief that God is with the Brits, the fact that it is in a foreign language has the drawback that British people don’t have to learn to talk foreign because we won the war.
After toying with the idea of adopting ‘Things Can Only Get Better as the national motto, officials decided that this seemed to have political overtones and implied that there was something wrong. ‘Eventually we settled for ‘Things Are Worse Elsewhere, You Know’,’ the spokesman said.
‘That way you can have flexibility and insert the name of any country you like according to what’s in the news at the time. So when the NHS collapses we can say ‘Things Are Worse in Zimbabwe’. When the rail network falls apart in a snowfall we can say ‘Things Are Worse in Syria’. Hopefully that way people will stop complaining and feel grateful for the major improvements that Brexit will seem to have delivered. It’s all about managing expectations.’
In an official statement, Britain said ‘Ah well, mustn’t grumble. Most of us instinctively stand up when we hear the Corrie theme tune – and at least we needn’t have mixed feelings when we win a gold medal at the Olympics any more’. Donald Trump has already tweeted his approval, but everybody had deleted their Twitter accounts anyway, just to be on the safe side.