Labour have promised to respond to the Conservative Party’s attempts at tearing themselves apart by claiming they’ll do a far better job of total self-destruction. But they insist on waiting until they have been voted back into office before they enter a slow agonizing process of fatal self-harm over Europe.
‘We are hell bent on meeting all our voters’ expectations with a spectacular remain v leave blood bath within the party, said one MP ‘But Jeremy is right to play his cards close to his chest for now. We won’t commit constitutional hara kiri until we can demonstrate what the party’s bowels look like divided neatly in two and hanging from the number 10 doorknob. Hopes of the bowels festooning the Downing Street Xmas tree having now faded as the Conservatives cling to office while continuing to lash feebly out at each other.’
The MP continued: ‘The Tories have had it their own way for far too long, basking in an unearned limelight in which they can clearly demonstrate their capacity for eternal civil war. And you’ve got to hand it to them, the emnities they’ve carefully nurtured within their party are impressively and bitterly irreconcilable. But now it’s our turn to reveal our hard fought deep bleeding wounds, some of them pus filled from old political infections and all of them self-inflicted in smoke filled rooms over unhygenically prepared beer and sandwiches over decades.’
‘We’ll meet the crazy-toff stereotypes with our own eccentric ‘radical’ characters, all of them devoted to auto-destruction. Take Len McLuskey who looks like a cross between the leader of the Tetley Tea Folk and a redundant Postman Pat. He’s capable of calling a national strike on the day of the second referendum or the second coming, whichever is the sooner. But do you see BBC satire shows taking the mick out of his hobnail boots and six figure salary? No you don’t. The so called impartial media would rather continue to give Rees Mogg’s alleged monocle satirical airtime, because their biased thinking tells them the Tory split is more risible than ours. Which is why we are calling for equal derision from the media.’
The MP concluded: ‘As more and more people say it is the Tories who have put the final nail into British politics, the Labour party must seize the undertaker’s hammer and hit itself remorselessly on the head with it.’