Share price in the US pharmaceutical giant has plummeted with the news that their CEO is a twelve foot demon, with horns and pitchfork. Confirmation that Lucifer had been managing the company, came with the revelation that he had knowingly – for decades – allowed asbestos tainting in their products and a Christmas special of Mrs Brown’s Boys.
It was during 1970’s that a PR firm advised Johnson and Johnson to drop Satan from their branding, but the Lord of Flies continued to work in research and development department – somewhere in the seventh circle of hell. It was he who first hit upon the idea of combining cancer with talcum powder, red bull with milk and socks with sandals.
A spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Obviously no rational human being would knowingly expose babies to asbestoses, so it’s logical to assume Mephistopheles was involved. We would also like to blame the horned one for a series of mistakes, including the Apple Newton, The Green Lantern and the lack of contraception between James Corden’s parents.
In the response to impending lawsuits the Devil said: ‘It’s true, I’ve been encouraging the spread of cancer. As an executive I’d like to blame it on snorting cocaine – but quite frankly, it’s mainly been talcum powder’. Asked, what were the health benefits of adding asbestos to his product, he explained: ‘Who doesn’t want a fire-retardant vagina?’