Terry Faulkner was today celebrating after learning that he’d be allowed to visit London’s vibrant Shoreditch area. The granting of a temporary access visa follows a lengthy application process with the city youngers during which baby-boomer Terry had to prove his immense age and conventional appearance would not adversely affect the image of the edgy east London district.
According to Terry, the process was akin to sitting his O-levels (a pre-millennial educational qualification). “It was quite an ordeal,” confided Terry. “I was given a thorough grounding in Shoreditch culture and etiquette so as not to act surprised by the beards, fixies and avocados. To blend in, I was told how to hold a phone to my ear at all times, to ask shop owners if a product is curated rather than stocked, and to make sure that one in every six words I uttered would be ‘like’.”
Eventually, Terry was given the good news that he’d be allowed a supervised visit on a Sunday when no-one’s there. Even better, Terry wouldn’t have to grow a beard. “And it was decided that my deeply unfashionable clothes could pass as ironically unfashionable. I’m so very happy!”
At this point, his access visa was revoked. You’re never very happy in Shoreditch, only super stoked.