Burglary case adjourned while judge examines WMD claims

Inspectors called back from the pub

A Doncaster man in court on multiple charges of burglary has had his case adjourned for at least 18 months while the judge looks into claims he was acting on ‘credible evidence’ that the houses he burgled were hiding weapons of mass destruction.

Paul Biggs, 32, has several prior convictions and is looking at a lengthy jail term if found guilty of the 4 counts of burglary. But his defence lawyer stunned those present in court yesterday when he announced that Paul had broken into the houses ‘in the interests of national security, after receiving a detailed dossier with evidence that the families in the houses had nuclear ambitions, all the materials needed to produce chemical and biological weapons, and were capable of launching them somewhere in the world within 45 minutes.’

‘I admit that, on the surface, this may look like a straightforward case to anybody not fully aware of the facts surrounding the situation.’ explained Gareth Byrne QC, acting for the defence, ‘But how many of you have actually seen a weapon of mass destruction? Do you know what a dirty bomb looks like? Do you know how big a nuclear warhead is? So isn’t it perfectly reasonable that Paul took everything he could get his hands on, just in case the weapons were hidden within a 52” TV, or disguised as jewellery?’

Intelligence that led to the repeated targeting of houses in the affluent area of High Grove, in Bessacarr, is believed to have come from ‘a man down the pub’. The ‘detailed dossier’, rumoured to be written on a beer mat, has now been handed over to District Judge Chilcot for him to decide whether the defendant really was trying to protect his country from terrorism.

The fact that he walked straight past other houses, in less expensive areas, despite some of them emitting a greenish, radioactive-looking glow would seem to devalue his claims somewhat. This has led to accusations that he is simply trying to drag the trial out for so long that people lose interest and he escapes prosecution – kind of like the inquiry into the, ahem, Iraq war.

Paul is no stranger to causing a stir within the legal system. In 2005 he was jailed after hijacking a lorry load of DVD recorders. That trial hit the headlines too, after he claimed to be acting on a tip-off that Osama Bin Laden was being smuggled into the country.

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Posted: Dec 22nd, 2018 by

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