During an ad-break while watching the movie ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ – televised for the sixty-seventh time this month – it was revealed to Jesus Christ that when it comes to the modern-day Christmas, “Morrisons makes it”, rather than the more traditional begottening of His divine self.
“It was news to Me – but hey, whatever. If some almighty Morris and His son want to own Christmas, then fine, see if I weep”, said Christ, while lying on His couch in front of the telly, wearing only a loose-fitting tie-dyed Italian shroud.
“Although, they really should rebrand it as Morrisonmas, just in case Our Father – who art in Heaven, and everywhere else – gets vengeful about them taking My hallowed name in vain.”
As He flicked channels, Christ confessed: “To be honest, I don’t really do much for Christmas these days. It’s more for children, I guess. The last time was when I played a small part in a rather joyless Nativity, and even then I just awayed in a manger and laid down my sweet head. It wasn’t exactly panto.”
However, Christ admits that the advert for Morrisons’ Christmas does make it seem broadly appealing: “They clearly make a lot more effort than I ever did, and it all looks a damn-sight more Christmassy than some overcrowded desert stable with a missing wall.”
“Anyhow, forget My first coming – I really should do some work on My second coming, maybe lose a stone or ten, and not be tempted by Morrisons’ ham-and-prawn-stuffed turkey logs with mulled-cheese gravy. Oh, hold on, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is about to start. Where’s the tissues?”