Burglars demand ‘more clarity’ about holiday plans from Facebook users


A spokesman for the burglar community says he appreciates that most Facebook users are ‘admirably candid’ about when the entire contents of their house are there for the taking.  He likes the way they go on for weeks about their upcoming trip abroad and tell their Facebook friends how their 85-year-old neighbour will be ‘keeping an eye on everything’ in their absence.  ‘Usually, you can have the whole place cleaned out while they’re still at the airport arguing with Ryanair staff about baggage restrictions’, says housebreaker Jeremy Quinn, of Birmingham.

However, there’s still a stubborn minority who are exasperatingly vague about the details of their travel plans, and this is costing burglars an estimated £20m a year in lost earnings, he says.  He also wishes people would be more frank about the true value of their belongings. While he understands the impulse to boast and fib, he believes honesty is the best policy on Facebook. ‘I can tell you that the ‘Cartier’ watch Greg Morgan in Peterborough has been bragging about is nothing but a pathetic Chinese knockoff’, he says.

‘Greg really needs to get a life…boring all his Facebook friends about this piece of junk’. However, he blames himself for this embarrassingly fruitless burglary:  ‘When he said his workmates in Lidl were bowled over by it, I should’ve sussed it wasn’t the genuine £10 000 article’.

Rapists have also chimed in with their tales of woe.  When Mrs Rovesley in King’s Lynn told her Facebook friends she was ‘home alone with a cup of cocoa’ when her husband was off on a business trip, registered sex offender Wayne Dillock was around at her place in a flash.  ‘Yeah right, home alone with a cup of cocoa – and her 6ft4in gym instructor’, he complains from his local intensive care unit.

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Posted: Dec 27th, 2018 by

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