Security Minister Ben Wallace has insisted that Gatwick will suffer no further disruptions, thanks to a pair of opera glasses and the 1987 Puffin edition of ‘I spy drones’. Using a blend of semaphore and carrier pigeon, the message will be relayed to the nearest person with a high-vis jacket, their own bicycle and ‘an interest” in model aircraft.
The state of the art system is said to include an Amstrad 512, a Filofax and an infinite number of monkeys. Mr. Wallace insisted that any drone would instantly be spotted or at the very least re-designated as some kind of pigeon.
Once detected, the drone will be neutralised a specially trained weasel, fired from a handheld catapult. The startled rodent will disarm the drone using its needle point fangs and a swiss army knife.
Rumours persist that the original drone sightings may have been fake, or the result of an enthusiastic plane watcher holding his binoculars the wrong way round. A spokeswoman said: ‘We are now fully prepared for any airborne toy – other than a Frisbee’.