As was being widely leaked, Theresa May has announced that the Government will not be making any New Year resolutions until Easter.
“At this time of National importance, as the Country faces choices which will affect its future for years to come, it would not be right for a strong and stable Government to make resolutions which it could not know whether it will be able to keep. Consequentially, the Government has decided that it will announce its resolutions at Easter, after Brexit has taken place and retrospectively backdate the resolutions to the start of the year. This will ensure that the Government meets its objectives in full and will be a further sign of the strength and competence of this Government. The only resolution that the Government is prepared to make at this stage is that it will meet its eventual resolutions in full.”
On behalf of the Labour Party, Kier Starmer replied: “If the Government will not lay out its’ resolutions in a timely manner, then they should Step Aside. In the national interest Her Majesty’s Opposition will seek to deliver the will of the people, by ensuring that the Government meets the Opposition’s resolutions instead.”
These resolutions will be clearly stated once the Brexit outcomes have occurred so that we can be certain the Government will fail to meet them, whatever they are’, continued Starmr. “We’ll probably put together 6 tests, or something. Whatever we do, you can be sure that a Labour Government would produce a better set of New Year resolutions, even if we were forced to make them after the New Year.”
Before listening to the reply, Jeremy Corbyn appeared to mutter the words “stupid non-gender specific person” under his breath.