Once-a-year church attenders have been left fuming after the terms and conditions of their relationship with their religious provider were unilaterally changed. Fair weather faith-keepers found out the news as they headed into Christingle and Midnight mass services up and down the land.
Under the new contracts, those attending church over the festive season will also have to commit to further God-bothering activities during the year. The most basic, entry-level package requires attendence at the Epiphany and the niche Transfiguration of our Lord services, plus four regular Sunday services during the quietest months of January and September.
Controversially, Easter is not included in this package. Those wanting to just attend the two blockbuster religious events of Christmas and Easter will now be forced onto ‘Christian Max’ contracts, forcing them to have a load of unwanted services including Sky One and Jesus Gold, a channel showing looped highlights of the Messiah’s best miracles and parables.
‘We’ve had to adapt our offer to keep pace with new developments,’ said Reverend Stephen Davis, Regional Sales Manager for 21st Century Flocks, smiling falsely to clients at the end of a rammed Christmas eve service. ‘We are living in an era of on-demand scepticism and our customers can build their belief-system in a greater being from an increasing range of religions. Plus, without locking them in, none of these f**kers will be here for our Birth of John the Baptist service on 24th June, despite it being the sixth biggest holy day of the year. Its a bloody joke.’
Other religions have been quick to respond to the Church of England’s changes. The Catholic church is thought to be considering free confessional box attendance throughout 2018, with bosses seeing this as the best way to lock in long-term customer guilt. However, the Jehovah’s Witnesses are expected to continue with their traditional door-to-door selling technique, run through their Kirby vacuum cleaners franchise