Derren Brown unmasked as Santa

'You're thinking, not another pair of bloody socks!'

In a disappointing start to the New Year, the illusionist and all-round mentalist has revealed that he was behind the most elaborate ruse to be performed upon UK TV viewers. Mr Brown explained that through a series mind games, he had convinced a sceptical public that Father Christmas was real, pigs could fly and that Ed Miliband was a plausible Leader of the Opposition.

Strangely enough after four years of George Osborne austerity, the British public seemed highly susceptible to the suggestion of a rotund geriatric tip-toeing through their bedrooms dispensing free gifts. A spokesman for Mr. Brown said: ‘What had originally started as a simple hypnotic trick to help the nation give up smoking, soon spiralled into a full-blown festive illusion. It’s almost as if they wanted to regress to a happier time; when fairies granted wishes, turkeys looked grateful and Xmas TV didn’t include Michael Buble.’

Mr Brown was apologetic that he had let the chicanery get out of control, but was the first to admit that no one wanted the grim reality of modern solstice; with its nut roast, frenzied sales and Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special. The spokesman explained: ‘Some of it was done through mirrors and misdirection, but mainly it was Derren having to squeeze down forty million chimneys on Christmas Eve.’

Ironically the addition of James Corden to the New Year’s Honours had been assumed to be the sort of prank that Mr Brown is infamous for. However the spokesman confirmed: ‘Corden’s OBE is not a Derren Brown illusion, an early April Fools’ joke or first sign of the Rapture. He’s what happens when too many of us end up on the naughty list.’

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Posted: Dec 30th, 2018 by

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