Right, all you schmucks and losers listen up because it’s time for my Noo Year’s Address to you – all of my loyal subjects both in American and around the world.
First off I’d like to tell everyone what a great job I’m doing as President, just the greatest job ever. Under my tenure, hey, isn’t that a great word… ‘tenure’ I just learned it, it means holding office apparently and using it makes me seem kinda smart. My speech writer told me to use it. He’s a real clever guy, just so clever.
Anyway, this year has seen my administration go from strength to strength as my many appointments of chief aides and advisors on weekly rotation and short-term contracts has helped stabilise our government. By the way, any of those guys who say they left of their own accord are peddling FAKE NEWS. It’s just a bunch of crap. I fired them all. They were sad guys unable to cut it when the chips were down. Just the worst kinda people. Bums and deadbeat wasters.
I’ve had a great year on the world stage too travelling around the globe slapping down dictators, and negotiation great deals for the US. Other leaders are quite frankly in awe of me. I always see them looking right at me and whispering to one another when I enter a room. I don’t doubt what they’re saying is that I’m really amazing but of course international protocol and diplomacy won’t allow them to come right out and say it directly in front of the cameras.
And what about that dumpy little kid with the weird haircut out in Korea? I made a proper Potsie out of him, didn’t I? That was so brilliant the way I handled him. He ain’t firing nukes at anyone now, is he? Hehe!
I’ve had a couple of meetings with that dame Theresa May from Britain too. Now I ain’t gonna say a lot about her abilities, but if she’d turned up as a contestant on The Apprentice, that’s my top-rated award-winning TV show, then she’d not have made it beyond the first task. Knowhadda mean?
Wow, she’s bad. Just so bad and she’s making a total mess of getting rid of Europe. I’ve wanted go over there and fix it all up real good myself, but in the end I figure Europe really doesn’t matter a lot to the US so let them get on with it themselves.
I’ve got Putin back in his box too. When was the last time you saw him bare-chested riding a horse or jumping into an ice-pond in his birthday suit? He’s too busy panicking because now in me he has a worthy foe who cannot be duped. If Putin tries anything then I’m ready for him just as soon as he says I am.
Now if I can just make a slight deviation to talk about me for a moment. That Stormy Daniels story was nothing more than a put-up job by my opponents and the Lefties and I have to tell you it’s cost me a lot to sort it out. $130,000 currently and counting, possibly even my Presidency if I can’t pay off a few more folks to get the impeachment proceedings stopped.
On a sad note I’ve had to offer up up a lot of thoughts and prayers this year as many of our citizens have needlessly lost their lives. But here’s the thing, if people wouldn’t insist on going to shopping malls, concert halls schools and cinemas or enjoy spending leisure time in public places then they’d not be shot dead in cold blood by folks just wanting to honour the 2nd Amendment of our great constitution and exercise their right to bear arms.
Finally I’d like to say a few words about my First lady Stormy… I mean Melania. Wow! Is she still one red-hot babe or what?
OK, I gotta stop gabbing now so I’ll finish with this. To my core supporters I say I hope 2019 brings you all even more guns and automatic assault rifles than you know what to do with, as much roast squirrel and roadkill as you can scrape off the highway and a beautiful great big high wall, so goddamn high, just the highest.
Let’s all look forward to 2019 when together we can make USA even greater than I have done already.
God Bless America!
Donald J Trump