In the event of a no-deal Brexit – or karma as it is known – the British government has entrusted part of their ferry service to a firm without any of the aforementioned vessels. Not only has Seabourne Freight no history of ferrying, they think ‘Brittany Ferries’ is a drag artist and Zeebrugge is a character from the ‘Magic Roundabout’.
A spokeswoman for Chris Grayling said: ‘As far as Mr. Grayling is aware, ‘shit creek’ is not an actual place, but merely a figurative way of describing the sum of his working life. That said, the Transport Secretary would welcome information from anyone with an atlas and rudimentary grasp of the difference between an arse and an elbow’.
According to their website: ‘Cars will now embark upon a gossamer cloud, made of hopes and dreams – rather than an actual vessel made of metal. The initial journey to mainland Europe will be sub-aquatic in nature; although drivers are recommended not to roll down their windows’.
This does mean that the UK is unprepared to transport large numbers of citizens to continent but even less prepared for each of them to return with 200 gallons of duty-free wine. Grayling’s spokeswoman confirmed: ‘We had hoped to find a contractor with experience of crossing the Channel in difficult circumstances – but all of them were Iranian refugees’.