The NHS in a bid to encourage patients to get routine check-ups, will be employing
a host of entertainers; such as clowns to test your blood pressure, fortune-tellers to endorse immunization and balloon models to represent your impacted bowel. Jugglers will provide for a much more animated breast examination, which is contrasted with the gravitas of a chlamydia result, read out by ‘national treasure’ Dame Judi Dench.
One Nurse explained: ‘You could be in a crowded railway station, when suddenly a flash mob of trained health professionals will launch into action. Through a combination of elaborate dance and brute force, we will pin you to the ground and administer a rigorous prostate examination, a cervical swab and remove your appendix – just in case’.
Patients have got ‘wise’ to the traditional forms of bribery, such as the lollipop, so doctors are using alternate ‘luring’ techniques; like the offer to ‘show David Walliams your thrush’ or a simple trail of breadcrumbs to the local obesity clinic. Face-painting can be used to spot the early signs of skin cancer and Chris O’Dowd is ideally suited to diagnose viral hepatitis.
Confessed one patient: ‘I love the idea of a flash mob. I was in Weatherspoon, when suddenly all the customers started spontaneously singing and then they roughly forced me to me to check my testes for lumps. It was only afterwards I discovered they weren’t doctors and that this was just an average Friday night at ‘Spoons.