‘It is a matter of both logic and matter of principle,’ announced Home Secretary Sajid Javid, from the seat of a budget airline flight to Lahore with the entertainment system set to ‘prog rock’ and the marks of the handcuffs still visible on his Conservative wrists. ‘Penniless people like my father who came here in the early sixties will not be let in under new immigration rules. If only tougher immigration rules like the ones we are now proposing had been in place back then, I wouldn’t have been here in the first place, proposing those tougher immigration rules. My continued presence in the UK is a contradiction.’
Choosing the vegetarian option and a diet coke, he said ‘If only the Home Secretary back in the early sixties had had the courage to send round Theresa’s frightening lorries, telling people who didn’t belong here to go home, my father would have taken the hint and not stayed to become a hard worker contributing to British society both financially and socially and never claiming benefits’.
Mr Javid continued: ‘This why it makes sense for me to go back to where I didn’t come from. It’s just a matter of logic. This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t continue as British Home Secretary, but from tomorrow I will be working from home in Pakistan. So I will be even more of a home secretary than Amber Rudd. Not that Pakistan was ever my home but it makes sense that it should become my home.’