Gregg Wallace’s idea of expanding the ‘Celebrity Master’ franchise to disciplines other than cooking has been abandoned following his first attempt on the subject of surgery, which left a trail of dead old people at the Queen Elizabeth II hospital in Birmingham. ‘It sounded a great idea at first,’ said Wallace ‘After all, the celebrities proved they could make a great lasagne, so why not try a bit of DIY surgery?’
However, the pilot episode started badly when minor celebrities Dick and Dom attempted a triple heart bypass on a 76 year-old patient. The patient died soon after Dick opened his chest cavity, stuck in his hand and started laughing and singing ‘Dim dim, dum, dim, dim dum’ instead of attaching the artificial heart pump. ‘At least he died with a smile on his face’ said Dick ‘or at least it looked like a smile’.
In the next scene, Alan Carr’s attempt to perform a liver transplant went badly wrong when he confused the recipients existing liver for his lung, removing it without checking, and then throwing it into a waste skip where he quickly took a selfie to post on Instagram. Further attempts at surgery by John Barrowman, Anne Widdecombe and Gyles Brandreth all ended equally badly, but fortunately Eamonn Holmes was able to ask his wife Ruth to jump on set and re-attach the oxygen pump.
‘The only decent surgery was done by a bloke who was once an extra in Emmerdale,’ admitted Wallace ‘but he had to be disqualified because it turned out he wasn’t a proper celeb. He was just a junior doctor in the A&E department at Barts moonlighting for a bit of extra cash to pay the rent.’