Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has announced a thorough and fundamental review of Universal Credit has concluded that it should be operated by Northern Trains. ‘Northern Trains has an excellent reputation at failing to deliver public services, second only to Carillion,’ he said. ‘They are an ideal fit for this flagship government policy that is already way over budget and behind schedule.’
A spokesman for Northern Trains was unavailable for comment due to being stuck in the Job Centre following a points failure. However, an official communique stated that they were planning to introduce an new Universal Credit timetable in May 2024, just nine years on from the original scheduled roll-out. Probably.