Declaring British politics to be in a near vegetative state, with the Prime Minister pretending there’s an alternative to turning off the life support machines and promising that the patient will on Tuesday arise from its bed and vote Conservative again, MP Virginia Smythe has called for all parties to come to the table and agree a swift and humane method for the destruction of British politics next week.
‘The Conservatives’ death by 1,000 cuts approach won’t work, ambushes by minority parties like the DUP prolong the agony, a Labour government would continue the cruelly slow demise of politics by trying to negotiate a new Brexit deal and the Lib Dems are led by Vince Cable,’ she observed. ‘My final cross-party solution means and getting together to see how we can swiftly return to a modern form of the feudalism that worked so well in the Dark Ages of the first millennium.’
To a rapt House of Commons, Ms Smythe continued: ‘What we call politics has lasted 1,000 years. It’s only in the television age of the last 60 or 70 that people have seen us for what we are. It had its moments, but this idea of voting for people so stuff gets done is dead. We tried voting for stuff, so stuff gets done. Didn’t work. Now we’re in the era of voting so the people get stuffed. That’s working quite well, but sooner or later they’ll see through the charades we’re playing and they’ll want to play hangman instead.’
Fat, shouty blokes in high-visibility vests formed a guard of honour with Union Jacks through which Mrs Smythe left the Commons after her amendment won unanimous approval, followed by a rapturous conga of MPs of all shapes and sizes, but mostly fat white blokes in ties, some of them rebelliously loosened. A small group burned a pile of Hansards on College Green, while the BBC’s Laura Kuennsberg, fearing for her livelihood, bravely tried to smother the flames with one of her 23 brightly coloured BBC Expenses coats – the one in Lilac with the brass coloured buttons (Fenwick’s sale £375, a few sizes left).
It is understood Ms Smythe’s all party group have been working on a deal to replace politics. One is to let Facebook decide. The other is a nationwide farting contest, with the loudest and smelliest farter declared Emperor of all the Counties and Czar of the Isle of Wight. However, one trenchant critic observed that the obliteration of British politics, however successful, would still mean a hard border in Ireland.