Piers Morgan has been hospitalised after almost drowning in his own bile due to a stunt involving a Greggs’ vegan sausage roll. A BUPA spokesman said that it was an honour to care for the sausage roll in its last moments, but alas it could not be saved, despite valiant attempts to expunge all traces of Piers Morgan from its system.
‘We did all we could, but it was hopeless. We have had more success with making Piers Morgan comfortable, using a tanker to siphon off his excess bile and a high-speed Internet connection to enable the mogul to self-publicise himself into an induced intellectual coma. We have conducted extensive tests and can reveal that he is pretty normal for Piers’.
The NHS has admitted to stockpiling supplies to cope with the anticipated pandemic of gammons with bile detonations after the BREXIT vote next week.
‘We are already dealing with an epidemic situation due to the likelihood of immigration going up after March 2019 even if BREXIT goes ahead. But if Article 50 gets delayed or revoked we will likely be mopping up a hurricane of piss, bestrewn with ruptured gall bladders.’