As may as ten thousand servicemen will be placed on alert on Brexit day, just in case it gets fighty. Brigadier A. Lethbridge-Smythe told a news conference his men and women would be ready to fight any adversary, or if need be, each other, on 29th March 2019.
He said: ‘One eventuality for which me must make full preparations is if Europe attempts to invade Britain and pull us back into the European Union using anchors, ropes, chains or enforced love. Yesterday our special service forces tracked down the British government-in-hiding with the intention of receiving a briefing on the challenges. When we reached the safe house, our listening devices could only make out the sound of sobbing.’
‘So I gave the command to withdraw and consider the legalities of declaring martial law. This is one of the most serious decisions any senior officer can take. Under marital law, Mrs Lethbridge-Smythe is allowed to look at my Internet history, go through my wallet, examine my Aldi pharmacy receipts and see whether I have recently selected the ‘In the Mood for Love’ playlist on my Spotify.’
‘Luckily I realised my mistake straight away, remembering that the Minister of Defence had a classified Tinder account for secret contact but he was unresponsive. By the way marital law also means Mrs L demanding she can smell my breath at any given moment. And I worry that she might smell the smell of smell. I mean the smell of fear.’
‘Which is why, to paraphrase a Para I once met in a bar in Paddington, we must fight them on the beaches, even if they drop inland by parachute. We’ll just have to lay on coaches and take them to the beaches. Whoever they are. And whatever happens. Obviously we’ll choose the nicest beaches, without a thought of gaining unfair advantage by choosing familiar spots where we rockpooled on childhood holidays. And if we can’t fight them on the beaches, we will fight each other, every man jack of us, on the beaches, and if women are involved in the fighting as they have every right to be in a 21st Century army, for goodness sake don’t tell my wife.’