‘To have all your Christmases come at once’ has long been an expression which means to experience an event of extreme good luck or happiness. But for Nito Chivukuvuku, a 37-year-old Angolan who relocated to Britain in mid 2011 and underwent a conversion to Christianity, experiencing in one day all the 37 Christmases that were owed to him proved to be otherwise.
‘Shopping for 37 Christmases for all your friends and families is a nightmare,’ revealed Nito, who is still suffering the terrible mental side effects of concentrated exposure to months’ worth of novelty Christmas songs. ‘My nerves are shot from the intense displays of unpleasant behaviour in car parks and shops, and the angina arrived at the same time as the bill for over £40,000 for gifts, mostly Swarovski animals, and statements showing that my bank cards were 800% in overdraft. I sometimes wonder if this was such a good thing after all.’
Nito’s bumper haul of Yuletides gave his health a further battering with the sudden gaining of approximately 40kgs in weight due to 37 years’ accumulated sweets, mince pies and Christmas puddings. In addition he has had to cope with the social awkwardness of receiving 37 lots of unwanted bath oils from each of his friends, as well as watching his home become swamped in several decades’ supplies of tinsel and fake plastic trees, and his fuse box blow up from struggling to run so many sets of lights at once.
It has taken until now for Nito to speak out about his experience. ‘I suppose I should feel lucky,’ he said today, ‘but January was a write-off as I struggled to stick to 37 years worth of New Years’ resolutions, wrote endless thank-you letters, recovered from 37 massive hangovers and relived the torment of 37 interminable Christmas church services. And there are only 269 shopping days until next Christmas. Maybe you can have too much of a good thing.’
However, things ended badly for Nito when, to make up for his years of missed Easter celebrations, he consumed enough chocolate to bring his life to a spectacular hyperglycemic end – and before he had a chance to celebrate all the Whitsuns due to him. Fellow believers say he is likely to have gone straight to hell for his ungrateful and un-Christian response to good fortune.