Undercover investigators have revealed that 86% of all parenting posts are an elaborate scheme to get us to enjoy the delights of botanically-infused gins with hint of elderflower and a whiff of pretension. Any reference to childcare is a coded message designed to create a desire for juniper berries, while ‘Mumsnet’ is just an anagram of ‘Oddbins’.
Painstaking research has revealed that there are no actual bloggers – merely a series of Ad Executives in the pay of the powerful gin lobby. Even Cambridge Analytica has its own distillery.
Explained one gin mogul: ‘Back 2002 we tried a series of straplines ‘Drink a pint of gin a day’, ‘Gin is slimming’ and ‘Gin takes away the pain’. That last one resonated with our key demographic (20-30s), so we decided to create fictitious bloggers – struggling with parenting, while addled with gin’.
Explaining the algorithm behind the blogs: ‘No wants to drink something that tastes of a blend of pomegranate, turmeric, gorse flowers, black cumin, coriander, marmalade, dandelion, black pepper, angelica and yoghurt. But one night with a screaming toddler and you’ll drink anything as long as its 40%’.