Feature: More government advice on practical uses for snow

too good to waste in these hard economic times

Following recent government advice that building a snowman is now an official way to prevent flooding, we can now bring you this coalition’s guide to other uses for the snow during this cold spell.

1. Pack it into your hosepipe

Having just come out of the wettest year since records began, the whole country being on flood alert since December, and ground water levels still dangerously high, there is bound to be a hosepipe ban from March onwards. Storing the snow safely in a hosepipe or watering can means come that time, you can sprinkle the snow over your lawn whilst your neighbours look on with envy.

2. Help a Hobo

In the spirit of helping those less fortunate with yourself, we the coalition think all this seasonally cold weather is a great opportunity for communities to build affordable housing for the homeless, in the form of igloos. We have seen how Inuits can live in the icy housing all year round, so having all this snow just lying there is practically like having bricks and mortar littering the place. The perfect thing about this idea is ice is suprisingly insulating in the cold weather, and will help them keep cool in the summer.

3. Send some to Africa

A wise man once asked of the Africans ‘do they know it’s Christmas?’. So we set up 2 inquiries, a public consultation process and a select committee and the results were clear; Africans do not know it is Christmas because they have no snow. So we have made it coalition policy to recommend everyone send a jiffy bag of snow to Ethiopia.Then in December they can throw it out of a helicopter so just like us they can overindulge, wasting tons of food over Christmas. Perfect

4. Take it to Bali

We have seen British nationals getting into hot water in Bali recently trying to smuggle cocaine across their borders. As a government our first priority is to protect our citizens, so with that in mind the foreign office is issuing this piece of snow based travel advice. If you are planning to become a coke mule then for your own protection take a suitcase of snow with you to hide your stash. The beautiful thing about snow is it’s white powdery texture is perfect for hiding illegal class A’s. Oh, and don’t forget your sunscreen, it can get warm over there.

5. Create your own Army

Back to building snowmen, we have recently announced 1000’s of job cuts to our armed forces and now ‘your country needs you’. We are asking every household to build a mini army of snowmen. These snowy soldiers will then act like a scarecrow in a field scaring the birds away, birds that just happen to be international terrorists and fields that look a lot like London. If you have any spare snow, why not also make some ammunition. Snowballs are a great weapon so when the terrorists attack, you can throw your snowball and ‘take them out of the game’.

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Posted: Jan 25th, 2019 by

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