NewsBiscuit’s Guide To Weasel Words

weasel

From the evasive to the downright shifty – let NewsBiscuit help you navigate through the sea of doublespeak. 

– ‘helping the police with their enquiries’ = held in custody and not tellin”em nuffimk, copper
– ‘giveaway’ = taking sightly less from people, as in ‘tax giveaway’
– ‘tax’ = giving away slightly less, as in ‘bedroom tax’
– ‘People’s vote’ = same old referendum. Again.
– ‘equal treatment’ = treating people unequally, granting special treatment / consideration / terms / conditions / priority to those perceived to be disadvantaged
– ‘Taking into public ownership’ = nationalisation
– ‘public ownership’ = complete government ownership, instead of publicly held shares
– ‘the minister has my full confidence’ = I’m about to sack him
– ‘the Prime Minister has my total support’ = I want to be Prime Minister
– ‘I will give it my earnest attention’ = fuck off
– ‘progressive’ = old-fashioned socialist
– ‘evil capitalist Tory bastard’ = evil capitalist Tory bastard- “…

– ‘in order to spend more time with his family’. = Got caught with his trousers down and can’t afford a divorce.
– ‘Socialist’ = Liberal
– ‘With all due respect…’ = I’m not listening, you fuckwit.
– ‘Well refreshed’ = completely pissed

– ‘according to sources close to’ = he told me this himself, but in confidence / on condition that I didn’t reveal that it was he who said it

–  ‘full and frank discussions’ = a blazing row

– ‘inappropriate behaviour’ = acting like a c*nt

– ‘my door is always open’ = I didn’t even leave a forwarding address
– will of the people’ = some of the people
– ‘Liberal Elite’ = elite

– ‘progressive’ = I’m progressive, but you’re not

– ‘the only deal possible’ = we’re not allowed to negotiate with you ourselves

– ‘If you’ll forgive me’ = I’m about to be exceptionally rude to you
– ‘Yes’ = no
– ‘No’ = yes
– ‘He has a healthy appetite’ = he’s a right greedy fat bastard
– ‘I’m very much in favour of emigrants coming here’ = I’m a bitter racist
– ‘Oh, he looks just like his Dad’ = total munter.

 

– ‘Breaks the Internet’ – gets over 100 views
– ‘Curves’ – big tits
– ‘Bulge’ – ‘ig cock
– ‘Lunchbox’ – big cock in tight pants
– ‘Manhood’ – any cock
– ‘Bedded’ – persuaded to have sex usually illicit/illegal followed by an improbable number
– ‘Mum-of-x’ – Anyone who has had given birth to a child/children.
– ‘Struggling mum…’ – single mother on benefits
– ‘Benefits cheat’ – anyone on benefits not struggling
– ‘Instagram star’ – pouting girl on slow news day
– ‘Hunk’ – bloke with 6-pack wearing budgie smugglers
– ‘Tycoon’ – any rich man
– ‘Sizzling on the beach’ – sticking her arse at the camera
– ‘Shocking’ – not shocking but unusual
– ‘Heart-stopping moment” – Something unexpected happens in a video/dash-cam
– ‘Brit’ – anyone with a UK passport but only if they are abroad at the time.
– ‘Feud’ – made up tiff
– ‘Tragic” – referring to any sudden death but most often falling out of a hotel while pissed
– ‘Brainy’ – more than one GCSE at grade F or above
– ‘Wardrobe malfunction’ – We can see her nipple although it is pixelated so you can’t.

– ‘Have you lost weight?’ = look, I’ve lost 3 stone!
– ‘Have you lost weight?’= you look dreadful, are you going to live?
– ‘Have you lost weight?’ = you need to lose some weight, fatty.

Beau Jolly – Wrenfoe – MzWibble – Chipchase

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Posted: Jan 25th, 2019 by

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