John Humphrys urged to quit Mastermind for lucrative Blankety Blank deal

Beryl Reid

Mastermind host, John Humphrys, has been told to quit the show for a much worse deal fronting eternally shit game show, Blankety Blank

The timely advice comes after the veteran broadcaster, in a moment of inspiration, suggested Ireland would be better off quitting the EU and ‘throwing its lot in with the UK’ in order to solve the backstop problem.

A poll of Irish citizens showed 92 percent in favour of Humphrys joining a revamped version of Blankety Blank, with an even greater proportion backing him as the compere of some godawful shite like Tipping Point.

However, some senior ministers have warned that any attempt to unseat Humphrys could see a return to violence on the streets unless some sort of bullshit compromise can be found.

Government spokesman, John Goodier, said,

“We could envisage Humphrys presenting a slightly less shit version of Blankety Blank, perhaps with the head-to-head replaced by two minutes of heavy duty general knowledge questions, but retaining the trademark puerile innuendo to keep the purists happy.”

“Under these new rules designed to keep all parties happy, contestants would be obliged to answer their customary specialised subject questions, but with frequent unsubtle references to ‘choking the chicken’, ‘honourable members’ and Mrs Slocombe’s pussy.”

Earlier today, Humphrys was at first quick to dismiss any suggestion of a move, but then on reflection told reporters he ‘might’ consider it given several key changes to the format.

“In order to win a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen, a member of the public might face questions on the English Civil War, Interregnum and Restoration, Gloucestershire 1640-1672 and so on, but just to keep it light and snappy then obviously, I would be reading the questions out in full drag.”

He added, ‘Perhaps I could still frame the new show’s jackpot question in terms of a Supermatch? You know, something along the lines of … Complete the following popular expression. Blank the Blank Off!’

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Posted: Jan 27th, 2019 by

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