The Prime Minister was quick today to deny suggestions that the government was considering imposing martial law in the event of a no-deal Brexit. She explained that the confusion had arisen from a hastily-written email asking about changes to ‘marital law’, specifically whether it was possible to imprison Boris Johnson on some grounds.
“My vision for Brexit Britain is of a happy and harmonious land where that gobshite scarecrow languishes in prison with no access to the opinion columns of the Daily Telegraph” said Mrs May. “We looked into having him jailed for telling lies, but that could set a dangerous precedent for the rest of us in Westminster. So now we’re seeing if we can’t tweak some medieval ruling about infidelity to get him banged up, so to speak.”
“There’s no question of using our armed forces to keep order after Brexit” she continued reassuringly. “Half of them would probably join the rioters anyway, and the rest are fully occupied keeping the Duke of Edinburgh off the roads.”
Mr Johnson was, as ever, available for comment.