Armies of Brexiters and Remainers fought each other to a standstill yesterday in the Battle of College Green, outside Parliament, which historians have now pronounced to be the first full-scale pitched battle on British soil since Culloden in 1746. There were chaotic scenes as night fell, with hundreds feared really rather cross and both sides claiming victory.
The battle began with the armies lining up opposite each other and volleys of slogans. Frightened peasants fled the scene as cries of ‘Traitor’, ‘Racist’, ‘Scum’ and ‘Well really…’ rent the air. There was a brief lull in proceedings until the Remainer left wing advanced swiftly down Victoria Street on the Brexiter right, driving all before them with a savage hail of Guardian long reads, which sent fear and panic into the ranks of the ordinary folk.
A few brave skinheads marshalled by Corporal Tommy Robinson stuck fiercely to their opinions but were driven back by the well-drilled forces of logic and reason. Within half an hour, retreat turned into rout and nothing was left of Major-General Farage’s squadron but a few heaps of smoking gammon. A crack squad of Hipster café proprietors then entered the fray to compound their humiliation by putting pineapple rings on top of them in a post-modern and ironic way.
However, the tide turned on the opposite wing, where a poorly organised metropolitan elite was hopelessly ill-matched against a swarming tide of fanatically committed Millwall fans, armed with broken bottles and the certainty that they had fought for sovrinty once already and it stands to sense, dunnit. Dozens of cappuccino-sipping intellectuals were forced to retreat into their ivory towers, leaving behind a faint scent of quinoa and righteousness.
The rout seemed complete when a crack squad of Brextremists turned the Remainers’ right flank in a rapid, 5 mph charge on their disability scooters. Meanwhile, their infantry charged the centre with their Zimmer frames, bellowing ‘This is just like Dunkirk!’ and ‘I’ve still got all my own teeth, you know’. Only a rearguard media action led by Captain O’Brien kept the Remainer army in the field.
Sources say that it is too soon to estimate the number of offended in the battle, but they could run into many hundreds. To date, one fatality has been confirmed, when a man waving a placard in support of Theresa May’s deal ran between the two sides, who promptly joined forces to lynch him.