The Department for Education is exploring the radical suggestion of offering teachers some kind of monetary transaction in exchange for a life of constant criticism and mountainous paperwork. With teaching shortages at a record high, it is thought that graduates could be lured into the profession with the offer of bursaries, magic beans and a bonafide ‘pig in a poke’.
Paying teachers is just one of several policies aimed at making teaching more attractive; alongside the guarantee that new teachers would not be physically assaulted, verbally abused or scapegoated for at least the first few hours of the job. There is even a suggestion that teachers would be allowed to go home and see their families, but only on alternate leap years.
Previous plans to recruit ex-servicemen and women to the classroom failed, when soldiers would shoot the students in preference to marking their essays. Likewise attempts to ‘parachute’ teachers into schools in deprived areas, just resulted in many teachers opting to jump without a parachute, rather than face a group of 12 years olds for double maths.
Not all Ministers are convinced that a happy workforce is necessary: ‘If we start paying them ‘wages’ where does it stop? Next, they’ll be asking for food, shelter and exposure to sunlight. It’s socialism gone mad! My old Geography teacher was perfectly happy on a diet of sawdust and rain-water – he didn’t need fancy qualifications. These lefties, if they want to live in Venezuela, then they should sod-off back to Africa.’