Guardian stockpiling hysteria in preparation for Brexit


Newspaper executives at the Guardian have spoken of the danger of running out of hysteria in the run up to Brexit.

“I keep telling our columnists, there are still almost two months to go,” said Editor-in-Chief Katherine Viner today.  “If you unload all your hysteria in one article, how are you going to write the next one, or the one after that?

“I’ve spoken to Polly Toynbee so many times about moderation, how it’s possible to express your views without sounding like you’re ranting on a soapbox on Speaker’s Corner. She always says she understands, then goes off and writes a column about possible delays at Dover that sounds like it comes from the Book of Revelations.

“I hoped Rafael Behr would help me calm her down, but when I tried his office he’d barricaded himself in by nailing planks across the door. When I finally got in, he was huddled in a corner, surrounded by piles of tinned food, occasionally flicking the light switch to see if the electricity was still on.  He told me he knew where Jonathan Friedland was hiding out, but was sworn to secrecy. Fortunately he was easy to track down, as I knew he’d have to come back to his favourite deli just off Hampstead Heath as soon as he ran out of organic hummus.

“Once I’d finally got them all together, I told them they had to lay off the Kool-Aid and tone it down a bit, rationing our remaining hysteria so it lasts us until we leave the EU on 29th March. After that, obviously, it won’t matter because the earth will stop spinning and the sun will never rise again.”

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Posted: Feb 4th, 2019 by

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