Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection was given even more credence this week, after several Tesco shoppers were hospitalised after ingesting daffodil bulbs they assumed were onions. Many have been quick to write the incident off as nothing more than a funny mistake, but some are now suggesting that it opens up deeper questions about the future of the human race.
Speaking from Manchester University, Professor Michael Wells explained: ‘Backward evolution is the notion that species can change into more primitive forms over time. It’s great that Darwin was correct with that theory, but it does also confirm that the human race is effectively screwed. We must be the only civilisation in the universe that lands a tiny probe on a rock hurtling through space one month, then tries to make a steak and onion pie with daffodil bulbs the next. Where the hell do we go from here?’
He continued: ‘What concerns me most is not just that this happened, but that those involved are making official complaints to the supermarket. We’re not learning, we’re blaming, which is stage one. This is not a case of poor product placement or staff negligence, it’s further evidence that the general human population is slowly regressing back to where it started – throwing poo at one another in caves.’
Store manager Bryan Wilcock, who handled the first ever complaint made by shopper Emma Jones, insists that the world ‘shouldn’t worry’ about this latest human faux pas. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I totally agree that there’s no way in hell Emma is evolving, so I agree with the the whole de-evolution thing, but it’s not an isolated incident with her. Last year she returned a bottle of Herbal Essence because it “tasted nothing like lemons”.
‘I don’t believe we’re dealing with an acceleration in human devolution, I just think this Emma’s a bit thick. Even so, I’m relieved that she’s feeling better. She only ate a few, and doctors reckon she’ll be out by Spring’.