‘Post Brexit, Hull will be a boomtown’, explained Donald Tusk, EC President. ‘Thanks to the strategic thinking of the British government, Hull will have its own silicone valley, its own international airport, a brand-new car factory, new film studios, upgrades to its universities, and affordable housing for all. Not to mention the excellent papier mache model of a duck that resulted from Hull’s city of culture tenure.’
The smiling Tusk was announcing a multi-trillion pound grant of EC funds for a centre of Brexit studies in Hull, to reward the city’s people for voting for Brexit. ‘At the moment, Hull is one of the poorest places in Europe, said Tusk. ‘Children go hungry, people sleep rough, hospitals are overcrowded, high streets are deserted. But thanks to the brilliance with which Britain has played its Brexit hand, and the good wishes the EC wishes Britain for its future, that’s all about to change. We want other countries who want to leave the EC to learn from Britain’s successes at the negotiating table, which will make such a difference to Hull. That’s why we’ve chosen a street of terraced houses in Bricknell in Hull to be re-purposed as a centre of Brexit celebration and study. This street used to be a place of desperation. Now, thanks to Mrs May, we will turn it into a place of inspiration!’
It’s understood Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees Mogg will be moving their homes to Hull, where they can reap the reward of their planning, and Eton College is expected to fund a new comprehensive school there, with an emphasis on business skills. Much of the new investment will be coming from companies, some of them entirely legitimate, owned by Brexiteer Aaron Banks
Come Brexit day, undercover police will be expected to mingle with joyful crowds of grateful drug addicts, cancer patients awaiting treatment, hungry children and barely-employed benefit claimants.
To raise money for the scheme, Boris Johnson and his family will travel to Hull by special sponsored wheelbarrows from Westminster. The barrows will be pulled by star athletes like once-disgraced Ched Evans, who plays for Fleetwood Mac town, near Hull. Hull City and Fleetwood are to be granted immediate promotion to the Premiership on Brexit Day. A statue of Rod Hull and Emu will be erected in Westminster.
‘The wheelbarrow race is my idea’ boasted Boris in his Daily Telegraph column (on the day the Telegraph announced it was re-locating to Hull). We are all bound for the Brexit sunny uplands as promised. Yes, we are going to Hull in a handcart!’