Kim Sears attempts to become more Scottish ahead of her marriage to Andy Murray appear to be well on track. Following her expletive-laden attack on Thomas Berdych in the Australian Open semi-final Murray told press that Kim is taking in lessons in swearing and invective in order to make their wedding day a truly authentic Scottish occasion.
‘Kim and I went for a wander around Glasgow a couple of months back,’ said Murray, ‘and the breath-taking amount of casual everyday foul mouth abuse on offer made her realise that her own swearing was a totally, inadequately shite. But to be fair she has put in several months of hard work – watching documentaries about Council estates in Kilmarnock and The Thick of It box-set and her colourful language has truly f***ing blossomed.’
Professor of Swearing at Glasgow University Fenton Barnes believes that Sears will blend in nicely should the couple decide to live in Scotland after their wedding. ‘Kim’s outburst shows that she is a naturally talented potty-mouth who will fit in very well here,’ says Barnes, ‘and if not it won’t be for the want of f**king trying, ya fud’.
Murray went on to lose to Novak Djokovic in the final, but would beaten semi-finalist Stan Wawrinka ‘have been an easier bet?’, pundits asked. ‘I couldn’t give a shit,’ said Sears ‘they’re both bawbags’.