Bose launched their long-awaited Trump-cancelling headphones today, with the promise that users will now be able to tune out from 99% of all bullshit emanating from the White House.
The new ‘Trump-Reducer 35’ headphones are designed to sit comfortably with the user, in contrast with just about every one of the President’s initiatives to date. The devices use patented technology to pick up on spurious, fatuous and just plain wrong statements emanating from The Donald, before cancelling them out using a combination of actual facts, counter-arguments, and logical, reasoned debate.
Technology expert Peter McAndrew noted that whilst there was clearly demand for these devices, reviews had been mixed. ‘Early users have indicated that whilst the devices did reduce the amount of vitriolic nonsense they picked up, Twitter messages did still appear to still be getting through’, noted McAndrew. ‘Some have said that whilst the headphones gave their ears some protection, overall, the whole Trump experience continues to be headf*@k’.
Other users reported hearing a constant ‘wet, metallic thudding noise’ whilst they had the headphones on, suggesting that nothing is going to be able to stop the sound of the shit hitting the fan.
In response, Trump has announced his own rival brand of noise-cancelling headphones, promising to ‘cancel out even the most convincing argument with a 2000 mile long wall of sound’. Trump’s system will use a standard ‘Active’ noise cancelling technology, but will also feature a ‘Passive-Aggressive’ setting. Here, the user can alternate between clumsily twisting and manipulating arguments, or placing their hands over their ears and shouting ‘DONALD CAN’T HEAR YOU’. The most expensive model will also have an ‘Alternative Truth’ setting, allowing the user to connect a lead in order to allow uncomfortable facts to go straight in one ear and out the other.
‘These will be market-leading, Donald has said as much,’ reported Sean Spicer, the President’s Press Secretary today. ‘Indeed, in our own independent tests, conducted rigorously inside the Moscow Ritz Carlton, his models pissed all over the opposition.’
Chris F (hat tip to Ron cawleyoni)