Under-fire Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling has announced that he will personally take over production of the new Xtrail, following Nissan’s decision not to proceed with production in Sunderland.
The bizarre announcement comes after a litany of high-profile issues under his watch, namely problems with the rail franchises and offering a ferry contract to a company with no ferries; and the fact that Grayling himself possesses all the charm and charisma of a microwaved jacket potato.
In defence of the absurd announcement, Grayling defended the move saying, “as Transport Secretary – if indeed I am still Transport Secretary – am I still, by the way? I feel it only right, having done some stuff with the things that go choo-choo on the tracks, and some other bat-shit malarkey with the floaty what-nots that sometimes go super speedy, I should have a go at vroom-vrooms.”
Grayling continued, “I therefore, announce that I will be making the X-Wing in my own garage – which is in the UK. I think. I am just off to my local scrap yard to get some wheels and metally bits. I’m pretty sure I also saw a steering wheel and an old sun-roof. So, so far, so good!”
When it was later clarified to Grayling that many thousands of models would need to be made in high specification, state of the art production facilities, he responded, “No problem. Can somebody get me Seaborne Freight’s number?”