Detective with no personal demons sues for unfair dismissal

ordinary man

A police detective from Somerset is suing his former constabulary for unfair dismissal after he was dismissed for being ‘too well-balanced and clean cut to be a ‘proper’ detective’.

But Chief Constable Colin Port defended DI Turner’s sacking, saying he had no drink problems, no discernible skeletons in the closet and never had an affair with anyone at the station. ‘With a personal life like that not hampering his investigations in a way that provides a bit of colour and occasionally juxtaposes with the criminals he was investigating he couldn’t possibly be successful at solving difficult crimes. All the best detectives on the telly have got issues. We had to take action.’

Mr Turner himself said that his sacking had not come as a shock, as he had been discriminated against for many years for different reasons. ‘First of all it was because I don’t drive a classic car’ he complained. ‘Then it was because I hate opera, and after that because I prefer lager to real ale.’

He also believes that his happy marriage and good relationships with children alienated him from other officers and hampered his promotion prospects on numerous occasions. ‘I only got promoted to detective because I pretended my wife had chucked me out and turned the kids against me’ he moaned.

Mr Turner has now set himself up as a private detective, although his new business has so far struggled to get off the ground. ‘No-one’s ever murdered when I’m around’ he explained. ‘I’ve tried staying at country houses, going on Nile cruises and crossing Europe on expensive trains, but still no-one gets killed. How am I supposed to interfere in police enquiries when I never arrive at the murder scene moments after the crime’s been committed? I might have to move to Midsomer.’

DI Turner’s position has now been filled by Avon & Somerset policy with a alcoholic, ballet loving, northern psychologist whose parents were brutally murdered by a drugs gang and who split up with his wife last year and hasn’t seen his kids since. ‘We’re very pleased with his work’ said Chief Constable Port. ‘He’s already racked up three relationships with fellow officers since he joined, and he’s just bought himself a classic Bentley’.


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Posted: Feb 12th, 2019 by

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