Philip ‘wants to keep shotgun license’, says hostage

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Palace sources say the Duke of Edinburgh has cut a deal with the government and the police, whereby he surrenders his driving license but is allowed to hold on to his shotgun permit. The Duke will be allowed to drive and shoot at people, but only on the Royal Estates, so long as he drives an Estate car, say local police.

But a spokesperson from the Norfolk force would neither confirm nor deny that the Duke has also entered negotiations to legally keep his taxpayer-funded shotgun. Neither could they at the time of writing say exactly where the Duke was, or who he had possibly captured at perfectly-legally-held gunpoint.

One theory is that the Duke, keen to express his feelings about the driving license to the Ministry of Transport, is now at an undisclosed location in the company of Minister of Transport Christopher Grayling. Mr Grayling’s mother Edith commented: ‘The last I saw of him, Chris was in the toilet, and as usual I waited outside until it was time to wipe his bottom. But naughty Christopher seems to have used this as a ruse. Although how he managed to get to Norfolk by himself is a mystery, as his knowledge of British transport is limited and his ministerial driver always tells Mrs May where Chris is, so she can do damage limitation.’

Meanwhile, a text sent to the Daily Telegraph from an unknown mobile phone is being examined by police. It’s believed to read ‘Let me keep my gun, or Grayling doesn’t get it.’ A second text read ‘Just to be clear, if you don’t let me keep my gun I won’t shoot Grayling. If I AM allowed to keep it Grayling WILL get it – for the first time in his life – and everyone can thank me for getting rid of the blighter.

Another text from a different phone in the same location is also under police scrutiny. It’s believed to read ‘Mum! He really means it and I’m scared!’ with a crying emoji.

A third text reads ‘Grayling WILL get it! Boom Boom. Both Barrels. See the logic? Great PR for the firm. Pest removed. Not bad for 97! And the danger to me? Life at Her Majesty’s Pleasure?’

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Posted: Feb 13th, 2019 by

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