43-year old Kevin Waters, who changed his name, or ‘culturally realigned’ as he calls it, to just ‘Cobi’, is to undergo pioneering hipster-replacement surgery.
Cobi has taken the decision following a long period of reflection and discussions with his wife, Sandra, who threatened to leave him if he didn’t take drastic action to tackle is increasing levels of “untenable douche-baggery.”
She said, “at first it wasn’t too bad. I accepted the fact that Kev, sorry, Cobi, grew a beard that attracted bees and wore black-rimmed glasses with no lenses. I was even willing to put up his obsession with only frequenting coffee shops that ground their own coffee in reconditioned Dyson vacuum cleaners and played “girlfriend in a coma” by The Smiths on repeat.”
She continued, “but after we had our son things had to change, particularly because we had to interact with other parents. I couldn’t cope with him making our son pack-lunches of foraged nettles and rain water and then riding him to nursery on a bike made of reclaimed wood, while taking weird angled selfies with a polaroid camera to put on instagram.” She added, “when I found out about the surgery, I thought enough was enough. It was either me or his second-hand book bag with nothing in it apart from a book on vegan mindfulness.”
When asked about the prospect of undergoing the procedure, Cobi said, “I did have to mediate on it quite extensively. It is my truth that I am not comfortable with the concept of surgery or medicine, per se.” He continued, “but it does involve electric shock treatment, which is very ‘one flew over the cuckoo’s nest.’ That is so meta.”
Asked if he was fully committed to change, he commented, “between you me and the gatepost with the Bob Dylan motif, I’m clearly not one of those pretentious, inverted commas, hipsters. Look, it’s all for Sandra’s benefit. Now can I get anyone a glass of freshly squeezed aubergine milk?”
Sandra concluded by saying, “He doesn’t think he’s a hipster does he? Yeah, this might take more than surgery.”