Mark and Stacey Marshall from Dagenham have complained that their new bundle of joy, Alexa, will not connect to their WiFi. This has left them disappointed to have just a baby with normal human abilities.
‘We were after one of those Alexa voice control things for ages,’ said Mark. ‘My mates say they can’t live without theirs. I mean we’ve always just physically pressed a button to play a song or flick a switch to put the heating on – just crazy behaviour when you think about it. Besides, now I’m married I wanted one anyway, it’s the only chance I’ll ever have to tell a female what to do.’
‘Problem was we couldn’t really afford one, but then the wife reminded me we just had a baby girl, so all we had to do was name her Alexa and hook her up to the WiFi. Job’s a good’un, I thought. But she just wouldn’t connect, little beggar. I tried everything. I even went around to my mate’s house to ask his Alexa how to connect a baby to the internet. She kept trying to connect to social services, so she obviously doesn’t know everything.’
Mark concluded: ‘I guess we just have to accept our Alexa has limited abilities. Pretty gutted, I won’t lie to you. She can’t play the entire Spandau Ballet back catalogue or connect me with other flat-earthers. I mean, yeah sometimes she gives you a cute smile, but seriously, gripping my finger for six seconds is hardly the same as showing me endless videos of dancing fat kids.’