Boris Johnson is believed to be stockpiling the wives of close friends in preparation for shortages of vital supplies following a no-deal Brexit. ‘He’s sold off half the claret to make cellar space,’ said a friend. ‘That’s a lot of claret, but I suppose you have to make sacrifices for the nation. I say, you haven’t seen my wife, have you?’
Faced with a cataclysmic breakdown of food, medical and industrial supplies, the Government is preparing a leaflet with reassuring images of British people, including some of a funny tinge, foraging for berries and prostituting themselves for food. A crack team of nutritionists has drawn up the Brexit Diet, which will have the additional benefit of reducing landfill by eating landfill.
Downing Street has condemned the practice of stockpiling women, pointing out that in these gender fluid times, sexual relief has never been more widely available. ‘For those unable to find a partner of any description, because of ugliness, poor personal hygiene or because they look like a startled foetus, Michael Gove has written ‘A Brexit Guide to Masturbation – Keep Calm and Keep Coming’. We understand he’s been researching it for years.’