Following her Oscar win for Best Actress, it has emerged that Olivia Colman will now be in every film or TV programme that gets made until further notice. ‘It started the morning after the Oscars,’ complained independent filmmaker Guy Pearson. ‘I had a meeting with a potential funder, and he asked me who Olivia Colman would be playing in my film.’
‘When I said she wasn’t in it, he looked at me as if I was insane. Soon afterwards he pretended to get an urgent phone call, though I could see he was just making the phone noise with his mouth, and left claiming he had to deal with some emergency.’
The government has denied it will actually make Colman’s participation in every film a legal requirement. However, a hospital maternity unit has complained that it is currently being taken to court by prospective parents Trevor and Hayley Wilkinson, who were horrified to find Colman didn’t appear in the three-month scan of their unborn child. Protests that the baby-to-be is actually a boy gave been described as ‘irrelevant’ by lawyers and entertainment gurus.
‘I really think I could bring something to the role of the foetus,’ said Colman today, while her agent massaged her feet with scented oils. ‘I’d make it human, believable, you know? You’d care what happened to it. The trouble is finding the time. I suppose I could squeeze it in between representing the government at Prime Minister’s Question Time and presenting Match of the Day.’
Meanwhile, former Grange Hill star Mark Burdis, who played ‘Kev’ alongside Colman’s ‘Bev’ in those bloody AA adverts, has stressed that he is not available to appear in any films, much less all of them. ‘I’ve got a proper job as a boxing ring announcer and run a security firm in my spare time,’ he said, ‘so you can stick that stupid golden statuette where the sun don’t shine.’