Flushed with pride at a string of positive comments from members of her party after her ‘brain fade’ moment on TV, Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party, has now asked her colleagues to come up with yet more ‘creative and exciting’ policies by adopting the technique. Members of the party’s executive will spend next week taking cold remedies and hitting each other with cricket bats to induce ‘brain fade’ ahead of the launch of its election manifesto next month.
‘We’ve got to trust our instincts and forget trivial details like numbers – and money,’ said Bennett. ‘Voters just want the gist and general direction of our policies. Does it really matter, for instance, if we send the Navy to launch cruise missiles over Sweden rather than Syria, or even crude rissoles over Silesia? They all begin with S, and have colourful flags. All are probably countries, too. That should be enough. The rest is a bit of detail, really.’
Policies developed in an earlier ‘brain fade’ event at the party’s conference are, according to a party spokesperson, likely to prove especially popular. It intends to announce a ‘birthday gift’ of £5 million for every baby born since 1948 paid for from parking fines collected in Lewisham last December, as well as plans to use the nation’s domestic freezers to assemble, on a piece-by-piece basis, icebergs for polar bears to cover an area the size of Norway and to offer Scotland as a gift to Vladimir Putin in exchange for some nicely painted stacking dolls.
‘What voters love about our approach is the credibility of our plans’, said the spokesperson, ‘where every detail is subjected to the brain fade test. If it makes sense in a back of an envelope way after plenty of Lemsip and has ‘green cred’, it’ll do. A Green government won’t, in any case, produce a budget – we’ll just ask taxpayers and companies like Starbucks how much they thing they should pay in tax after we’ve announced our rough spending plans for the year. It should work.’
David Cameron immediately denounced the Green Party’s plans as ‘illogical, unworkable and ridiculous’. ‘I quite like the bit about Scotland, though, it’s probably worth a try,’ he added.