In an attempt to clarify international football and post Brexit EU regulations, the Northern Ireland backstop provision is to merge with Association Football’s offside rule, unless Her Majesty’s Government passes a contrary amendment, or the ball is passed illegally across any European Border or the half way line during play. This may mean that:
• If an agreement about whether an importer or player has crossed the border or halfway line received goods or a direct pass, the ball shall be deemed out of play and the DUP will receive more money.
• Players attempting to export the ball over the half way line or the border between the United Kingdom and The Republic of Ireland must satisfy the linesman or woman that there was no attempt to score a goal or avoid VAT
• No spitting.
• In a UEFA cup match between an EU side and a UK side, if the ball is provided by the host team and that team is resident in Northern Ireland, and a player of either side decides to sell his or her boots after the match (unless for charitable purposes) then the backstop provision will be deemed onside, the match must be abandoned and players must return to the dressing room and tell each other their most recent dreams.
• If a player in a goal scoring position has had the ball passed to him (or her) by someone outside the Schengen area, then the player receiving the ball is not allowed to do anything that might be deemed contrary to the Good Friday agreement.
• No dogs allowed on the pitch except as part of an approved display by a police, military or paramilitary group.
• The term ‘backstop’ must be substituted by the term ‘wicket keeper’ if cricket is played between EU and Non EU teams, and the offside rule will be replaced by the LBW provisions but any commentary-related cake must be of EU origin except Victoria Sponge or Battenberg.
• Penalties can only be given by the European Court of Justice during the transition period.
• If during the transition period an all-male team chooses to become an all-female team, that will be OK, and vice versa, subject to provision of appropriate shower facilities.