Super saleswoman ‘Surly Shirley’ receives top retail award

shirley

Shirley Mason, a sales assistant from Acton, has been awarded the coveted ‘Lifetime Achievement Fellowship’ at this year’s glitzy Department Store Awards Ceremony. Mason, who has worked on the haberdashery counter at Pargiter & Wellsby in Croydon for 55 years, was nominated by her manager, Old Mr Wellsby for ‘consistent and uncompromising surliness’ over her illustrious career.

‘I have watched our darling Shirley handling countless thousands of customers and never once has she failed to astound me with her pompous, overbearing, supercilious, brusque and exceptionally unfriendly manner,’ said an emotional Old Mr Wellsby. ‘Indeed I don’t believe she’s even uttered a single word to any customer since 1989. She just throws whatever they’re after onto the counter-top, sneers and takes their money. She’s quite a star.’

In accepting her award when the applause died down Shirley glared menacingly at the audience, scowled at Old Mr Wellsby then rolled her eyes and tutted, before wearing an expression of pained exasperation, stalked off the stage.

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Posted: Mar 1st, 2019 by

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