Woman held captive by WhatsApp Group


A man says his wife is being held captive by a WhatsApp Group that was only intended to arrange her friend Helen’s surprise 40th but has continued unabated ever since. Chris Young, 43, from Bromsgrove, said: ‘By “groups” I thought feral toddlers or Game of Thrones withdrawal therapy, but this one was different. The first warning sign was the name – ‘Claire-Bear’s 40th Yay!’ Jesus. I tried to make it light-hearted by changing her phone settings so any new group notification was Yoda saying “A message from the dark side, you have”. Brilliant.’

‘But it wasn’t. It all took a rather sinister turn. I never thought I’d get sick of hearing Yoda. But it was relentless messaging – day and night. Michelle was glued to her phone – messaging interspersed with the occasional knowing little giggle. But when I tried to share in the joke, she would just say “It’s nothing, just Debs”. Who the fuck is Debs!?”

‘When I did manage a sneaky peak, it was just an emoji avalanche – all dancing ladies in bunny ears and martini glasses. Well, apart from someone named ‘Greta’, who just sent fourteen syringe with blood emojis,’ Young continued, ‘I just prayed for the 40th to be over and that would be that. The purpose for the group’s existence over, right? Wrong.’

‘It’s worse. Even though Michelle clearly hates most of them, the level of messaging is bat-shit nuts. If she’s not scrolling though pictures of shocked orang-utan trying to find one with a bow tie, then she’s searching for fungal creams at 2 a.m. for someone who has taken a photo of her manky toe and sent it with just ‘WTAF??’ written underneath. Also, ‘Syringe lady’ is now apparently in charge. She sets daily vegan-based challenges. Michelle is currently sitting in a bath filled with chia seeds and almond milk.’

Young concluded: ‘I was at the end of my tether so I asked my mates down the pub for help. I explained how she was all-consumed by it – always on the phone and totally pre-occupied. They just said I was a jammy bastard. Apparently, they’ve since added their wives to the group.’

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Posted: Mar 2nd, 2019 by

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