The Deputy Leader of the Labour Party has taken the unusual step of asking members to send him their complaints directly, along with their bank details and the location of their spare keys. Throwing caution and GDPR to the wind, Mr. Watson assured them that all the data would kept in a sealed envelope, marked ‘Top Secret’; before being sent to ‘You’ve been Framed’.
Writing to members, Mr. Watson asked if any of them had been hurt in an accident or wrongly sold a PPI. He explained that he was in receipt of a sizeable sum of cash, from a deceased Nigerian Prince, which he would share, provided they send him their passport and kidney via Dropbox.
A concerned colleague said: ‘I asked Tom if he had a ‘burn box’ and he showed me an actual cardboard box, soaked in paraffin. He said it was all hidden behind a special Firewall and promptly took a blow-torch to his conservatory’.
A spokeswoman for Cambridge Analytica advised: ‘If you are contacted by a Mr. T. Watson asking for your data and assorted dick pics, we suggest that you call this number. It’s not a Help Line. In fact, it’s a premium cost line. But if you’re daft enough to fall for Tom Watson, you’re daft enough to fall for anything.