Foreword by Liam Fox, International Trade Secretary,
‘Congratulations fellow trade experts! If you are reading this, you have decided to embark on the rewarding journey to become a fully-fledged UK government trade dealer – or the horse tranquiliser has just kicked in.
Either way, in – however long it is until 29 March 2019 (not including Friday afternoons, Mondays before 12pm, Saturdays, Sundays and every other Thursday) – you could be personally be negotiating multi-million – f**k that, multi-billion – pound trade deals around the globe.
That’s right, armed with this not-even NVQ level 1 qualification, your patriotism and the seal of HM Government you can ponce around the planet, like a lingering lift fart, attempting to secure UK’s trading future. No pesky Eurocratic nay-sayers hovering over you with their pointy little continental faces, barking “Nein and Non,” or – as one French diplomat once called me – “une poule mouillée” or “a wet chicken.”
Sceptical? Don’t be, I am responsible for all international trade and have no previous training, the charisma of an industrial cement mixer on its lowest setting and an empty stare that harnesses instant weed growth.
So, sign up without delay and we will make you equally incompetent trade ‘experts’ ready to face our brave new future like a passenger in a driverless car without that technology.
This course offers an introduction to things and aims to give the apprentice the ability to do some things. Maybe. The course currently covers the following modules (NB – subjects struck through are currently not being taught because they are too hard and/or due to lack of relevance):
• What is trade? What is a deal?
• How to shake-hands while looking awkwardly at the gathering media – taught by Jeremy Hunt and Liam Fox
• Questionable geography and history – taught exclusively by Jeremy Hunt
• The importance of teeny-tiny Island territories with populations smaller than the Isle of White – taught exclusively by Liam Fox
• How to invent countries, but in a subtle, slightly more believable way so that they sound like real countries e.g. Brozil, Margentina and anything with ‘stan’ on the end for the Asian sub-continent – taught via Facetime by President Donald Trump
• Holding a pen
• Signing trade deals with a pen
• Briefcase closing – swift room exit after you discover the country has an existing trade deal with the EU