In light of an exposé to be run in this coming weekend’s Mail on Sunday, Theresa May has been forced to admit that she underwent a complete personality bypass some years ago at an exclusive Swiss clinic.
It’s understood the information came to light when the clinic’s database was hacked, revealing it to be little more than a front for a controversial radicalisation process, now thought to have been responsible for treating many other Tory politicians.
The article will claim that Mrs May elected for the ‘full and irreversible’ procedure whereby any vestige of a personality is irretrievably wiped from the patient’s mind, leaving them thereafter to inhabit a terrible netherworld existing only as an empty wraith-like shell totally devoid of compassion or empathy, but above all, without even the slightest shred of credibility.
Reacting to the news Jeremy Corbyn said: ‘Hmm, well that explains a lot. For the past two years I have been looking into her eyes across the dispatch box but have never been able to detect any hint of humanity whatsoever behind them.’
Meanwhile further revelations in coming weeks will suggest that Boris Johnson also had a procedure five years ago. However the process went badly wrong and he was somehow given the personality of a six year-old overprivileged spoilt brat who lies, cheats, twists, turns, stamps his feet and says absolutely anything he deems necessary in an attempt to get his own way, irrespective of whether he believes it or not.
When Chris Grayling attended the clinic in 2015, as only to be expected, his surgery was a total cock-up and the only things removed were any last remaining microscopic traces of competence – needless to say he still paid them £20,000,000,000 for services rendered.
hat-tip to Titus