In a speech to production workers in Bradford, who just wanted to eat their lunch, Prime Minister, Theresa May sent a warning to the UK and the EU, saying there is a ‘real risk’ the UK may still have to take part in the excruciating acid-trip that is Eurovision.
In a last-gasp attempt to pressure dissenting MPs to vote for her deal and for the EU to ditch the backstop, May warned: ‘We are verging on a crisis. If a deal is not reached, we may still have to send an 80s pop group dreg to lose second-last place to a bearded Estonian folk singer with a harpsichord and pet goat dressed in lycra.’
In the UK, this threat was aimed particularly at the ERG, well-known for their hatred of all things Eurovision, or anything remotely flamboyant. One ERG member said: ‘I’ll have to vote for the deal. I can’t cope with that shit. I have a recurring nightmare performing at Eurovision singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” with an all-male German ‘A Capella’ group in a makeshift sauna – no amount of Dunkirk spirit can’t erase that from my brain.’
The EU also responded positively. A spokesperson said: ‘Backstop – what backstop? It’s gone. To use a British analogy, the UK taking part in Eurovision is like watching a sex scene on television with your parents. We, however, do that all the time, with wine.’