Taking a tough stance against extremist Remoaners, the Home Secretary has said he will be removing EU rights from anyone who holidays in Ibiza, wears a black turtleneck or has GCSE German. Post-Brexit, all young women will be required to say an oath of allegiance to the Independent Caliphate of Great Britain and its faith in warm beer.
Many young women had been lured into marrying an EU citizen, with the promise of French cuisine, Johnny Hallyday and a glass of chilled white wine on a warm summer night. Sadly most would regret their decision after being exposed to the metric system, two-prong plugs and Johnny Hallyday.
Although international law states you are not permitted to revoke citizenship, Mr Javid insisted that any extremists would be expelled from the UK – unless they were willing to pick strawberries for £0.75 an hour. Any young children, who are technically European, will be thrown back into The Channel; to replace the fish-stocks lost to Spanish trawler-men.
Those that stay will be re-educated; replacing the EU song, Beethoven’s Ode to Joy, with the new UK new anthem – the theme tune from ‘Eastenders’. A Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘These women need to be stripped. Stripped. Strip. Strip. Strip. Oh, sorry – hang on – that last part is a memo from Boris Johnson’.